A brief sharing as I cope with a miscarriage.
“Thy Will” by Hillary Scott- Through our heartache this week, this song has brought me great solace & comfort. One of my dear friends sent me this song back in Jan 2017 when we were going through a potential cancer scare with me while I was pregnant with our now one year old. In my anguish, I was pulled to this song again this week. As I attempted & still attempt to sing along for the therapeutic release it provided a year & a half ago, I crumble on the chorus. In reaching out to my sweet friend to thank her again for sharing this song with me, she nudged me to learn Hillary Scott’s testimony. I’ll let you google that one. I watched four different interviews. Grab the kleenex. Boy did I need to hear her words to allow me to not feel so alone, especially since they were so similar to our story.
I also allowed myself to watch her official video for the song again. This time, the symbolism was piercing. I cried through the video as well. I felt every aspect of the story captured.
I, too, had no other words in prayer from the moment we knew we were potentially in the early stages of a miscarriage early last Saturday morning than to pray for, “thy will” to our Lord. As the miscarriage progressed, I prayed the Lord would provide me with grace for my four children amidst my first born’s 14th birthday celebration weekend & all three big girls’ end-of-school-year commitments & ceremonies all last week as I accepted his will. Day 3 of the experience I decided to dive into my blog with two posts with the desire to stay in tune to my personal challenge to post 40 before my 40th birthday. That evening, while finishing my second post, our computer crashed. Here we are, Day 8, and back home after our AC had been out in our home for three days (the joy of a temporary rental), & I am starting to feel somewhat normal & not feel as though I am walking outside of myself watching life continue to go.
Yesterday, I realized God had placed me in the comfort of my parents’ home where I felt their love even though they were on vacation in Hawaii celebrating 30 years of marriage, & I was just allowed to play with my one year old as my older three are enjoying their first round of summer visitations with their others. There was nothing beckoning me to complete there in my parents’ home. Nothing screaming for my attention. Also, yesterday was the first day no preplanned activity had summoned me forth with a welcoming distraction from my pain. I was allowed to feel the pain, cry, & hug my baby with no one asking me, “are you ok?” Ummm, no! No, I am not ok!
Yesterday, the message was clear: HE is telling me to be still. HE is telling me I will meet my 40 posts before 40 birthday challenge I have set for myself. HE is telling me it is ok to feel my pain. HE is telling me I will write beyond the initial blending family experience; I will write about this & other pains, & I will help many.
For now, that is about all the words I can manage for this experience. I have worked on this post several times yesterday on my cell phone to finally wrap it up this morning on our new computer. I will return to this topic. I will write about it more.
Today, I celebrate my first born’s official 14th birthday and will join family to celebrate the upcoming birth of a baby my family friends are adopting. Life keeps going with the celebration of births. Even though I am hurting, I cannot wait to hug my daughter here in a few minutes and hug my dear friend as she awaits her new baby.
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