This is really self-inflicted.
That sucky moment when you embarrass the hell outta yourself and (possibly) your loved ones. It comes in varying shapes, sizes, and colors. You want to crawl into a hole. You want immediate forgiveness and absolution. It doesn’t come.
Often the rejection you feel is perpetuated. People insist on resonating your fall from grace. It’s the topic discussed in every circle they find themselves sitting. The audacity to speak of it two feet from you as they whisper, stare, and offer judgmental facial expressions.
We find ourselves doting a forced Scarlet Letter for varying reasons. To keep this shedding light, here are the four at the forefront of my mind-
Love, Marriage, & Children
These three are not the exact same in any home. They definitely do not come in the perfect order for every person. Yet, society cannot help but to cast judgment when you step off the anticipated line of order. A darker shade of white may resemble an unattractive existence of becoming pregnant out of wedlock twice, perhaps marrying the same person twice, and, yeah, divorcing them twice also. When life provides an opportunity for you to experience the proper order, people cannot help but to stand aghast perplexing the audacity of you trying love again years later with a person you meet that is the answer to every prayer prayed, getting married, having a child with them, and moving through life in a graceful manner despite the challenges life hurls your way…
I have met maybe enough people to count on one hand that have not experienced an embarrassing moment after a twirl with alcohol. Most people have more embarrassing experiences than their two hands and two feet can count. And, they’re still waltzing around looking for more. Yet, when your embarrassing moment diminishes their time, it becomes a moment for them to judge, discuss, share, and spread as though they have never made a poor alcohol induced decision in their life.
Friendships are a wavering gem in life. Some we have the joy of treasuring their presence in every aspect of life. Others, come and go. It’s their terms. It’s a matter of how well you fit in their way of life. I have made (& make) these choices, too. It simply is what it is.
We come to each new day with a past. Our own story. Thing is, our story is a combination of a lot of other people’s stories. It really is not our own. What I have struggled with understanding is why people feel the need to unveil another person’s history to another person. As though this is their story to tell…
The take away: Projection
People often see themselves in you. What is hard for them to digest is when you have a potent quality reminding them of (most likely) the one quality they despise about themselves. This leads them to judge you, harshly. It gives them a break from self-anger. What you need to grasp is this is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This is their issue. Find a way to love yourself despite their judgement, crude behavior, and unfortunate gossip. Most people sharing time with people of this nature know who they are dealing with, which means they take the information from these folks like a piss in the wind. It just doesn’t carry much weight.
I have gathered each time a person shares an unattractive trait with me about a loved one we both share, it usually translates in to them having an issue with insecurity (not feeling good enough), threatened by this person, or even jealousy. These emotions are hard to deal with for anyone. If they are left to fester, they mold into anger. The anger will mature into hate and down right evil behavior.
Again, this is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You canNOT FIX THEM. Unfortunately, they cannot fix themselves either. People of this nature can attend counseling every day for ten straight years, and you may see a slight diminish in their hatred. A festering of unresolved issues hardens the soul, spirit, and heart. They can hardly stand to live with themselves, so it is obvious why it is hard for you. They are the ones that need to seek help. They most likely will not. They are too prideful and most likely a hard core narcissist.
It is ok to see a counselor to discuss this (or these relationships). You could use a helping hand to makes sense of your enabling and accountability in this relationship. In simplification- If you were born into a family with a person of this nature, chances are you have close friends exuding this nature, and you very well may be dating, living with, or married to a person of this nature. It’s psychological. It’s repetitious. Each new version is going to give you the same result. Find your responsibility in allowing these relationships to waste your time. Stop the cycle. You are signing up for verbal, emotional, and mental abuse. Financial abuse is probably already underway. It may even lead to physical and even sexual abuse (partners/spouses).
You do not owe a person of this nature any moral obligation. They will attempt to destroy you. Most will not let up until they succeed. You have a right to leave (if this is your spouse or partner), a right to end the relationship (friend or family), and you have the right to surround yourself with loving, caring, and respecting people. Remember, people who accept you are human, fallible, and evolving are your true community. They are offering you unconditional love.
If you have already left or ended the relationship, it is important for you to take time for you. Veer away from sudden new best friends, an over zealous partner, or a coworker vying for your attention… it’s the same face behind a different mask. A counselor will help you discern the difference, make sense of the magnetic draw you have for this personality, and guide you to avoid repeating the same manipulation.
Birds of feather is an overused cliché for a reason… it is just so damn spot on. Look at your flock…
You deserve better. Choose wisely. Choose you. Do not allow their issues to become your truth (self-infliction).
Raising children around a person of this nature is caustic to their growth in all facets- emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc. Your children will perpetuate the cycle you are in the midst of. If you have a hard time breaking the cycle for you, break it for them.
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