Reflecting is a coping method I will not tire of. The strategy reminds me where I have been, what I have endured, & how I made it through to ultimately be fine.
God continues to wink on my life with his timing. I am aware our subconscious is rooted in our past. We tend to find ourselves in similar moods on certain days each year for situations we experienced and/or triggers that put us back where we once were.
It is no secret I experienced a miscarriage 26 May this year; just 10 1/2 short weeks ago. I would be lying if I said I am fine. Understand, I know I will be. The pain is lingering however. Perhaps because it wasn’t just the loss of a precious baby I had longed to have with my husband for quite some time, but because it is also the close of us having anymore children. Therefore, I am dealing double… if that makes sense.
I vulnerably shared with my husband yesterday of my struggle with this loss. Situational depression it feels like. We found our way to discussing it at length last night. He remains consistent in his outlook on life and how he deals with heartache. He is so damn good at being resilient. Admirable really. I wish I could have just a sprinkling of his fortitude. It is not my nature though. It is his. I have to feel it all in order to truly move on & receive closure; otherwise, I’ll erupt at an inconvenient time for everyone. (If you know me personally, you know this to be true because you have unfortunately witnessed a breaking point of mine when I have not dealt well.) This is our balance. His & mine. He is predominantly logical, & I am predominantly emotional. We switch roles as needed. And, yes, I have scheduled an appointment with my counselor to ensure I get through this time appropriately.
Back to where I was going with God’s timing… I opened up FaceBook this morning to mindlessly peruse the feed & review my notifications as I sip my morning java… Upon my “On This Day” memories on FaceBook, I fell onto a post from three years ago… where I had also shared a post from the previous fall. I reread my words. I remember the emotion(s) I was feeling in each post.
I was humbled. Humbled by God’s love. Reminded how well I overcome. Moved by the simple fact I unknowingly chose the same coffee mug this morning I had chosen four years ago & pictured in the original 2014 post (image below)… hence the image selection today.
A lil FYI- My husband is the “lil birdie” I refer to in the posts below: Aug 2015 he was my fiancé; Nov 2014 he was my boyfriend.
The previous FaceBook posts:
6 Aug 2015
Moments continue to arise where stressors get the best of us, wrap their gnarly fingers around our neck, & we ultimately break… Embarrassingly so. The stressors are combined joy-stress, outside-variable-stress, & real-life-heart-wrenching-stress. Some view our breaking points as reasonable & justifiable while others view them as abhorrent character. Regardless, we must reflect, clear our vision, & evolve. This week brought intense reflections of my weaknesses. This evening, I went to my “Good Reads” album via FB as it is there I tend to find wisdom & strength.
As I perused my previous posts, I stumbled upon this one… Although this post last Nov was about being a mommy, I feel it is fair to say we can feel similar pressures in all our roles in life: wife/fiancée/girl-friend/partner, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, granddaughter, & friend; even in that one word, friend, there are multi-faceted roles of friendship we juggle: best, sisterly, close, longtime, short-time, peer, coworker, fellow worshiper, friend-of-a-friend, friend-of-a-family-member, new, acquaintance, & surface (which is not genuine). In our various roles we will disappoint, over & over, over & over, over & over. The beauty is we will ultimately please at least a hundred times more than we will ever disappoint. Our problem: We trudge along carrying the disappointments we dish out in a bag of shame, which is unhealthy weight.
We are not perfect. We are fallible human beings. We have to fail. No success is conquered without the taste of failure. We, obviously, are never too old to fail. In that is growth – pure, genuine growth – along with a dose of accountability if you are brave enough. God is SO good.
My 3 favorite take-aways from our recent meetings with our reverends [marriage prep] are:
1) Your home matters most just as every family’s home matters most to them.
2) The 20:1 ratio: For every hurt, 20 love strokes must transpire to replace the hurt.
3) Forgiveness: It is a gift. Should we receive it, we must drop the bag of shame.
To echo my previous post from last Nov, we must continue to evolve. Even when we have to dust off & lift our head back up, we must evolve. My lil birdie is still whispering in my ear. The message the birdie offers now is, “Feel your remorse. Make it right in time. Until then, you see it clear; move on. Onward. Upward.” Birdies really are so smart.
25 Nov 2014
As mommies we often find ourselves wound-up pretty tight; in the worst possible times even. For those of us who swim the single-mom waters, we can spend days feeling as though we’re treading water in the middle of a deep sea praying for just one lil life vest as the nearest land we can barely see is miles & miles away… But wait, even non-single, working moms feel that way… But wait, even stay-at-home, non-single moms feel that way… But wait, step-moms of all stature feel that way… Therefore, we can all relate to the pressure(s) the most rewarding “job” ever can induce.
For all of us moms it is not just in the moments when we feel as though we may crack under too much pressure, but also in all those moments that lead up to the stresses when we MUST continue to care for ourselves. It is easy to put everyone else’s needs in front of our own. After all, we were designed that way: In summary, mother is defined as “a woman exercising control, influence, or authority… that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over [their children]…” all the while giving “affection.”
My biggest lil [my first born] jokingly refers to me as the most beautiful, super-hero, Godzilla mom she knows…. 😳 You bet all I hear outright is Godzilla! What helps me hear that without too much angst is the numerous articles I read & the sharing convos with the gorgeous women in my life that shed light on the lil known fact that we will inevitably crack under pressure… & not just once, but time & time again. Why? Because we are human, we are women, we are emotional creatures, & mostly because we tend to try too hard to be perfect &/or to please everyone. At the end of the day, it is ourselves that we are most upset with as we are not pleasing ourselves. We lie awake in bed at night in a pool of self-doubt, upset, & fear of not being good enough in our mommy-role. A wise mom once told me, “it is in that self-reflection & desire to evolve that proves you are a good mom.”
As a teacher, this Thanksgiving break has come at the most opportune time. In the last few months my lil family has experienced newness on many levels, surgeries, sickness, death, trials & growth which has had my once steadily-bright happy light fluctuating at extremes. A lil birdie has whispered in my ear over & over that essentially I am in complete control of my happy light & how bright & steady it shines. In essence, I choose to get overwhelmed. Who knew birds could be so smart?
Last night I chose to take a HUGE step back & look inside my box of life. There are several areas I can strengthen which will optimistically ripple out to my loved ones. I started with REST by placing this lil smartphone on DND & woke when my littlest lil’s feet came pattering into my bedroom 12.5 hours later. I put both my lils’ wants first today because I always feed off of their emotions. (Why don’t we facilitate their happiness more often??? When they’re cranky; we’re cranky!) As they painted, I turned to 3 of my most helpful books: my Mom’s Devotional Bible, The Secret, & The Duck Commander Devotional. God has his unique way of offering signs. Today’s date’s duck devotion touched on God’s protection; my bookmark in The Secret where I last read picked up on energy; & my Mom’s Devotional came on the wings of my lil birdie’s suggestion to reflect on stress. My birdie has whispered over & over to offer my stresses up to HIM, that my energy (happy, stressed, etc) is felt by a 20 foot radius, & to trust in HIM to protect & provide. Guess God told me today my birdie is right. Humbling… Reassuring… Fitting.
It has been quite some time since I’ve written via my fb. I tend to write on fb when I feel compelled. I show my gratitude to God for blessing me with a passion to write by sharing – even when it touches on our human, female, motherly weaknesses. Being a good mom starts with accountability & a “desire to evolve.” It is also in our faults that our children get to witness how we can still muster up some grace despite the embarrassment our faults produce. Showing remorse & offering apologies (to your children, too) is also necessary as it models the very behavior that will yield genuine Christian ladies (& gentlemen). The world can never have too many of them.
This Holiday season, Thanksgiving & Christmas, surround yourself with those who bring your happy light to a bright shine, facilitate happiness to those you love, & get back to the roots of a healthy, happy you. The world is a beautiful place for our Mommy love – believe it.
Life is marred with trials, tribulations, & heartache. It is littered, however, with so much goodness! I have four beautiful babies, & the best damn husband a girl could pray for. I (& we) have come so far in these last four years. My writing has graduated beyond personal FaceBook posts to a public, personal blog about blending families & life. God winked a reminder to me this morning in more ways than one… and last night, in my lil birdie’s words… I have the smartest birdie. My husband is good. His love is pure. His intention & commitment is solely for us & our lil family. He is numerous answered prayers. He holds me accountable. I am so lucky.
If you are struggling with heartache, believe you will overcome. Allow yourself to feel your pain, grieve, get angry if needed, cry, & forgive. Forgive yourself for being human & allow yourself to be human. Encourage yourself to move on & start savoring the sweet morsels this beautiful life has to offer you. Hug & kiss your babies. Embrace your spouse/partner/significant other, & thank them for loving you through the tougher sides of life. Kiss them, too. 😉
If you are going at this parenting thing alone, pat yourself on the back, & thank God for the life you have. You are doing a damn good job!
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